Amazon.com: "Fumble: Bear Bryant, Wally Butts and the Great College Football Scandal", by James Kirby (1986)
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
"Manly Tiger's Bammer Back to Earth Prophecy – Vol. II, 2005"
I don't know how I came across this, but it was one of a number of posts re: score predictions for the 2005 Iron Bowl. (Auburn won, 28-18, and it really wasn't that close.)
The Manly Tiger Prophecies
Manly Tiger's Bammer Back to Earth Prophecy – Vol. II, 2005
Auburn vs. Alabama, CBS, 2:30 p.m., November 19, 2005
And Lo, as prophesied, on the battlefield of Jordan-Hare East, didst the Tigers plunge a lethal dagger into the soft underbelly of the Dawgly nation. And as even as the wide-eyed leglifters were bellowing forth their victory whoofs, didst the deadly strike of Cox fly true unto Aromashodu, and didst a trailing Courtney diveth forth unto the rescue. And Lo, so helplessly didst Munson's tearful pugnosers view, as with but a second or two, didst the once taunted Vaughn kick so true. Proud warriors of the orange and blue, with souvenir hedge held high, the Tiger nation doth hail ye! And there, before the blissful scene of conquest didst King Tubs and his commanders standeth tall, and cry aloud, "Bringeth on Bammer, who proclaimeth to be back! Unacquainted are they with the end zone, and by the People of the Corn Dog was their weakness exposed. Yet, still do they pompously layeth down the smack, and their loudmouthed Demeco belittle our ground force attack. Returneth home, Oh People of the Tiger! Even now, the Crimson Kneck Elephant Tide approacheth! Two days henceforth, we shall rendereth unto the toothless nation history's lesson yet again, and reveal unto the world that the Tiger still doth rule."
And in stillness lies the Loveliest Village, 'neath a moonlit November hue, with the Corner of Toomer in full cover of tissue. And the chill winds doth blow, and ancient memories flow - and awakeneth the unmistakable echo . . . Nineteen Hundred Eighty Nine. And drawn by this haunting echo, didst Auburn men, women and children march as in a trance unto the field of Jordan and Hare. And there didst the masses huddle against the evening chill, where quietly didst they wait . . . and in prayerful tones, anticipate. And Lo, presently, from the south end tunnel, and flanked by ancient warriors whose blood once was bravely spilled on this soil, didst two unmistakable warriors emerge – King Tubs, and striding by his side, the great King Patrick of the Dyes. A hush didst fall upon this throng, a solemnity as the hour required. And all ears didst open, awaiting the sure utterance of some sacred word. And stepping slowly forth, didst King Tubs speaketh thusly: "Behold, proud People of the Tiger, the flag of liberty which doth proudly unfurl over this field. Fearless and proud do we walk, and tall do we stand in this, our homeland. But hear me well, one and all." And laying his right hand on the shoulder of King Patrick, didst King Tubs go on, "We stand so tall, and see so far, because on these broad shoulders do we stand! It is this great warrior and true Auburn man who defiantly didst stand against a million-strong redneck band, and told them UNTO HELL COULD THEY GO with their Lesion Field demand! Raise your voices aloud! Hail, Hail to this great Auburn man! Here, on this hallowed earth where ye stand, in his honor shall we proclaim this the Field of Dye for all time!"
And a deafening roar didst rise up into the cool Auburn night, and frat house girders shake, and King Patrick of the Dyes standeth and thusly, spake: "King Tubs, you rightly wear the crown and lead our great nation now. I thank thee for this honor, and do humbly accept."
And Lo, now growing intense, and with a grizzled, familiar grimace, didst King Patrick then raise his voice, "Let this truth sink in ye deeply, Oh people of this land. We built not this house upon sand, but upon rock and steel. Deep is this foundation laid, and doth King Tubs build it ever higher. But Lo, we are both but servants to a far greater power. It is not by sword, nor by spear that our army's strength is born, but of the love of this fair land – sweet Auburn, Loveliest Village on the Plain. And when I die, as die must we all, bury me here in this hallowed soil. For Lo, though Georgian by birth, by divine providence do I proudly wear the helm of orange, and the armor of blue. And on this ground two days henceforth shall ye slay the Tide with smothering force and invincible battle pride!"
And Lo, the chant didst riseth, and in the cool night air didst grow . . . BRINGETH ON BAMMER, BRINGETH ON THIS LOUDMOUTHED FOE! Back, they claimeth to be, but back to earth shall they violently go! A most ungodly sight, this Riff-Raff Tribe. Verily, a boorish band of uni-browed, camper shell living, forehead protruding, and outhouse dwelling rubes. They marcheth forth in tattered shirts and doth bellow "Roh Tahd", "Turd-ee-shun" and other bemusing war chants. People of the Tiger, drink not the dark brew of doom, and line the streets of Donahue! For they know not what rage awaits them on the field of our forefather Dye. Nor have they tred on deadly enemy soil, nor gazed into the Tiger's eye. We shall engulf their over-hyped defenders in an offensive hellfire of biblical proportions. And Lo, in strangled dredlock death, shall the Mullet Warrior's battle days with a faint whimper end. And lying in pancaked posture shall Demeco not rise again, and the Ramuh-Jamuh be silenced. And as the orange sun doth set against the deep blue November sky shall the People of the Red Overall in horror flee, to return unto the morass of Shulan mediocrity. And Lo, the mirth and merriment shall commence, and shall victory grog be swilled, tissue be tossed, cheer-wenches yell, and dance-maidens dance. As prophesied, one week henceforth, a Great Amen shall ariseth. For Lo, one day following the feast of the turkey shall the People of the Corn Dog taste defeat to the snorting swines of the Whoo-Soo-Wee Tribe. And the champions shall returneth unto the Land of Long Commutes in sure defense of their crown against the People of the Dawg.
Auburn Tigers 27 Crimson Knecks 10