Amazon.com: "Fumble: Bear Bryant, Wally Butts and the Great College Football Scandal", by James Kirby (1986)
Friday, July 18, 2008
It's only July, and there's one candidate for this year's Boor Of The Year Award that has an insurmountable lead.
And the winner is... John Falkenberry.
What an absolute boorish boor. The man has absolutely nothing interesting to say - about anything... and if - for only 15 minutes - someone could prevent him from interrupting like a 5 year old while other people are talking, it would KILL him.
You can catch this puffed-up blowhard every few weeks destroying what's left of the Paul Finebaum Show.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
This rivals "Dukakis in a tank". What a bunch of complete idiots.
Let's set the stage: Rich Karle (Fox 6, Birmingham) and Paul Finebaum take The Runt "fishin'". Here's what you get:
- Three pasty-faced white guys jammed into a boat that might not be safe for only one person
- No PFDs
- Everybody dressed in business casual
- The lone "fishin' pole" is an $8.75 Wal-Mart special
- Nobody knows how to fish
- ... and some of the most inane conversation in the history of mankind
And look at Finebaum... he's practically a statue. He knows that if anybody in that boat even picks his nose, they're all swimming. You have to believe that at least two of them would drown, even though they're in only three feet of water.
This is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
And now, tonight's Final Jeopardy clue in the category "Bammer Majors":
According to rolltide.com, it's the most frequently declared academic major BY FAR amongst the members of the 2006-2007 Bammer football team.
[Jeopardy theme music]
If you said Human Environmental Sciences, you would be wrong. That was the #3 declared major, and is better known by its former name, Home Economics. (Do their aprons have the same numbers on them as their uniforms?)
The #2 declared major was General Studies, also known as the "Why Am I Here?" major. (Three seniors and two juniors are in this group, still trying to find an easy major; maybe they should ask their teammates?)
The correct answer is "What is Pre-Major Studies?", which we all know by its proper name, "high school". (There are FOUR juniors and TWELVE sophomores on the squad that are obviously a long, long way from home...)
Join us tomorrow night when our Final Jeopardy category will be "Infamous Bammer Dessert Favorites".
Pre-Major Studies 36 (4 JUNIORS AND 12 SOPHOMORES!!!)
General Studies 7 (3 SENIORS AND TWO JUNIORS!!!)
Human Environmental Sciences (Home Economics) 6 ("Strap on those aprons, boys, we're gonna make a cake!")
Pre-Business (Junior) 3
Pre-Business (Sophomore) 2
Interdisciplinary Studies 1
Computer Science 1
Criminal Justice 1
Finance (Business) 1
Telecommunications and Film 1
1 Ramzee Robinson Management Graduate
2 Simeon Castille Communications Jr.
3 Jeffrey Dukes General Studies Sr.
4 Tyrone Prothro Human Environmental Sciences Sr.
5 Roy Upchurch Pre-Major Studies Fr.
6 Marcel Stamps Pre-Major Studies Jr.
6 Kennth Vandervoort ? Jr.
7 Will Oakley Pre-Business So.
8 Chris Rogers Pre-Major Studies Fr.
9 Nikita Stover Pre-Major Studies So.
10 Jimmy Johns Pre-Major Studies So.
11 Matt Caddell Financial Planning Jr.
13 Cory Reamer Pre-Major Studies So.
14 John Parker Wilson Business So.
15 Jimmy Barnes Business Fr.
16 Lionel Mitchell Pre-Business So.
17 Greg McElroy ? Fr.
19 Tim Castille Communications Sr.
20 Marcus Carter Pre-Major Studies Jr.
21 Prince Hall Pre-Major Studies Fr.
22 D. J. Hall Pre-Major Studies Jr.
23 Tremayne Coger ? Fr.
24 Marquis Johnson ? Fr.
25 Aaron McDaniel Pre-Major Studies So.
26 Ali Shafrief Pre-Major Studies Fr.
27 Justin Woodall ? Fr.
28 Javier Arenas ? Fr.
29 Adam Hill Psychology Fr.
30 Patrick Hanrahan Pre-Major Studies Fr.
31 Forress Rayford Finance (Business) Sr.
32 Eryk Anders Pre-Major Studies Fr.
33 Le'Ron McClain Human Environmental Sciences Sr.
34 Kenneth Darby Communications Sr.
35 Charlie Kirschman ? Fr.
37 Trent Dean ? So.
38 Glen Coffee Pre-Major Studies So.
39 Darwin Salaam ? So.
40 Baron Huber Pre-Major Studies Fr.
41 Andy Davis ? Fr.
42 Juwan Simpson ? Sr.
43 Sam Burnthall Pre-Major Studies Fr.
44 Demarcus Waldrop Human Environmental Sciences Jr.
44 Jacob Vane ? Fr.
45 Charlie Higginbotham ? Fr.
46 Zach Schreiber Pre-Major Studies Fr.
47 Ezekiel Knight Pre-Major Studies Jr.
48 Travis Sikes Pre-Major Studies Fr.
49 Rashad Johnson Computer Science So.
50 Justin Britt Pre-Business Jr.
51 Luke Spaulding ? Sr.
55 Terrence Jones General Studies Sr.
56 Matt Collins Pre-Major Studies Jr.
57 Morgan Garner ? So.
57 Darren Mustin ? Jr.
58 Kyle Tatum Management Sr.
59 Antoine Caldwell General Studies So.
60 Scott Deaton Pre-Major Studies Fr.
61 B. J. Stabler Pre-Major Studies So.
62 Alex Stadler ? Fr.
63 Justin Johnson ? Jr.
64 Layne Rinks Business So.
65 Joshua Curry Mechanical Engineering So.
66 Brian Motley ? Fr.
67 J. P. Adams Civil Engineering Sr.
68 Taylor Pharr ? Fr.
69 Kevin Cash ? Fr.
70 Evan Cardwell Pre-Major Studies Fr.
71 Andre Smith ? Fr.
72 Chris Capps Financial Planning Jr.
73 Justin Moon Marketing Jr.
74 Trent Davidson General Studies So.
74 David Ross ? Fr.
75 Cody Davis Pre-Major Studies So.
76 Marlon Davis Pre-Major Studies So.
77 Byron Walton Pre-Major Studies Fr.
78 Mike Johnson Pre-Major Studies Fr.
79 Drew Davis Pre-Major Studies Fr.
80 Mike McKoy ? Fr.
81 Keith Brown General Studies Jr.
82 Earl Alexander ? Fr.
83 Travis McCall Pre-Major Studies So.
84 Jake Jones ? Fr.
85 Preston Dial ? Fr.
86 Jamie Christensen Pre-Business Jr.
87 Cole Harvey Pre-Major Studies Fr.
88 Nick Walter Pre-Major Studies So.
89 Charles Hoke Business So.
90 Milton Talbert ? Fr.
91 Will Denniston General Studies Jr.
91 Chris Harris Management Sr.
92 Wallace Gilberry Telecommunications and Film Jr.
93 Bobby Greenwood Criminal Justice So.
94 Keith Saunders Pre-Business Jr.
95 Brandon Deaderick Pre-Major Studies So.
96 Dominic Lee General Studies Sr.
97 Lorenzo Washington Pre-Major Studies Fr.
98 Brandon Fanney Pre-Major Studies Fr.
99 Jeremy Clark Consumer Science Sr.
11 P. J. Fitzgerald Pre-Major Studies Fr.
15 Andrew Friedman ? Fr.
16 James Denton ? Fr.
22 Austin Clifford ? Fr.
23 Justin Martin Mechanical Engineering Fr.
24 Chris Pugh ? Fr.
25 Alex Benson ? Fr.
26 Hampton Gray ? Fr.
28 Tucker Callahan ? Fr.
29 Terry Grant ? Fr.
30 Bryan Kilpatrick Finance Graduate.
31 Leigh Tiffin ? Fr.
34 Courtney Moore Pre-Major Studies So.
35 Patrick Eades ? Jr.
36 Eric Gray Interdisciplinary Studies Jr.
37 Heath Thomas Health Fr.
38 Joel Nix ? Fr.
39 Justin Dunn ? Fr.
40 Jonathan Lowe ? So.
41 Cliff Murphy ? Fr.
43 Daniel Weaver Management Fr.
45 Reyn Willis ? Fr.
50 Cy Ellis ? Fr.
59 Mitch Ray ? Fr.
62 Lance Vickers ? Fr
66 Brian Selman ? Fr.
85 Danny Barger ? Sr.
90 Barrett Earnest ? Jr.
93 Trey Chesser ? Jr.
94 Mike Sparks ? Fr.
95 Orion Hall ? Fr.
96 Daniel Wood Biology Fr.
Friday, July 11, 2008
How it must have gone down... a few weeks ago...
[The room is a 20'x45' meeting room near the top of one of Birmingham's tallest office buildings. There are two Polycom phones on the conference table so everyone in the room in can participate. Early Times, Jack Daniels, and some homemade vokda are in sun tea jars at each end of the table - they're the ones with the built-in spigots). Cigarette smoke completely fills the top five feet of the air space.]
The president of the "unuversdy of ayallerbayammer" speaks first, after coughing for a full 15 seconds.
(Dr. Witt) "Hello..." (tap tap tap) "Can everyone hear me? I - I'm ..... I just want to begin this meeting - my first with more than one speakerphone - by saying that we, we as a group, need to reach a concensus, and we need to get to that point quickly... we have to do something that is in touch with all of our feelings, and we need..."
(Paul Bryant, Jr.) "Shut the hell, up, moron....... Let's get down to it. What do you PR people in New York have? What do the focus groups say?"
(New York) "Thank you, Mr. Bryant. And thank you for the barbeque from Fat Boy's. It was... err... good. Where is Prattville, anyway? Is that in Alabama?"
(PBJ) "Look, nobody cares about that... what do the focus groups say?"
(NY) "There is a very definite trend that the average Alabamian thinks that drunk driving is bad."
(NY) "What do you mean?"
(PBJ) "Do we have to fire the son of a bitch or what?!"
(NY) "That's not clear. We think an indirect approach is called for."
(Mal Moore) "I think Coach Bryant..."
(PBJ) "Oh GOD... would all the idiots in the room please SHUT THE HELL UP? How would the West Coast writers react to this strategy?"
(NY) "Mr. Bryant, with time, the West Coast, including the sports writers out there... will accept almost anything if we can just get some time. They're used to celebrities skating when it comes to the law. That is to say... if the University's reaction isn't immediate, and the action isn't definitive, then there's not much at all you'll have to change. Mr. Stabler will, of course, have to be absent for some period of time. Here, absent means out of the media spotlight - nothing else. He can do his regular Red Elephant Club thing... the $100 handshakes, the car shopping with the recruits' parents, whatever. But his continued participation in the University's sports media program will be predicated on the success of the "publicity dead zone" approach. There just can't be any headlines. When his case is adjudicated, the lack of coverage will enable lesser-educated people, and we're thinking the Tide fans, per se, to be part of the groundswell that can lead to a very light sentence, and, of course, our operatives will do all they can to lead the populace to this conclusion via television, newspapers, and radio. We think Mr. Stabler might be able to join the football telecasts very late in the season, as a guest, of course, if we all play all our cards right. However, on the parallel track that we also discussed, if your lawyers can get him off Scot free, then you can do whatever you want."
(SaBear) "Will he have any value to my recruiting during this 'publicity dead zone'?"
(PBJ) "HEEEEEY!!!! DIDN'T THE CHECK CLEAR?! THIS IS MY &#$@%@%$#* MEETING. If I want you to speak, I'll tell you to speak. New York, what about the South?"
(NY) "What do you mean? Which demographic?"
(NY) "What? Is that a poll or something?"
(PBJ) "No, IDIOT. PAUL Finebaum. The Birmingham radio talk show host. How do we handle Finebaum?"
(NY) "Oh, him. Of course. Just keep buying commercials. What is it... Crane Works? Keep doing that. Actually... we don't have any idea what this Finebaum character is all about. Can you give him season tickets, too?"
(PBJ) "Sure. I'll give him Whitt's seats."
(Dr. Witt) "That's not fair. I -"
(PBJ) "I'll tell you what's fair, moron! Now shut the hell up or I'll let Finebaum have your house on football weekends, too."
(NY) "Look. Here it is, plain and simple. Just wait a while, then say he's taking the year off. That leaves the door open for Stabler to come back. It puts the expectation in the public's mind that he's going to be back, whatever the outcome of his court case. Whether you actually bring him back or not depends upon whether you can get him to cooperate with the 'publicity dead zone' idea or not."
(KS) "I'm cooperating this time."
(PBJ) "That's what you said the other six times, retard."
(KS) "Well, I mean it this time..."
(PBJ) "Right. Listen, Kenny, go home and rip the phones out of the wall. Don't talk to the mailman, don't even talk to the paper boy. *WE* will deal with the judge. Do you understand?! Just SHUT THE #$?~# up!!! And give me the #$%~!#$^ car keys. If you do what you're told, I might let you come back. But if you screw this up again, I'll let that little judge down there put you in the slammer for a year. Do you get my drift, cowboy?"
(KS) "Yes sir, Mr. Bryant."
(PBJ) "Anybody have anything else?"
(MM) "What about Jimmy Johns?"
(SaBear) "Yeah, what about Jimmy? Can we keep Jimmy?"
(PBJ) "No, no, no, he's history. New York, that's it from here."
(SaBear) "But I think he can change... he told me last night he's willing to change... what am I going to tell his mom?"
(PBJ) "SHUT THE HELL UP, Saban. Goodbye, New York." [disconnects the conference call]
(MM) "Can we talk about Jim-"
(PBJ) "NO!!! Mal, make yourself useful, for a change. Go get us some sandwiches. Witt, go get the car."
(MM) "Is there a Subway on this floor?"
(SaBear) "There's a 7-11 about two blocks down th...."
(PBJ) "CHRIST you guys are IDIOTS!!! Just... GO BACK to to Tuscaloosa. Just go back. And don't do anything without talking to me first. Do you understand? What's the matter SaBear, did you lock your keys in the car again?"
(SaBear) "No, sir."
(PBJ) "OK then... get the hell out of here. Kenny, where are you going?"
(KS) "I gotta have a shot of something..."
(PBJ) "What... the booze here isn't good enough?!"
(KS) "The booze is fine, there just aren't any slutty broads."
(PBJ) "Look... when you get home, call me on my cell phone. I have some recruits I want you to go see."
(KS) "Yes, sir."
Fake. Phony. Fraud. Wishful thinking on a monstrous scale.
That's what Bammer's so-called "tradition" really is. You Bammers may not want to confront the truth, but the facts are what they are. Deal with it.
Your biggest problem is your emotional attachment to the phony Bourbon Brinte legacy and this phony Bammer "tradition". And you're not alone... some Auburn fans are all caught up in it, too. The truth is, we'll never know just how good of a coach he was, because he never played by the rules. That crooked scumbag came that close to getting caught fixing an SEC game (link). No one has ever been accused of that before or since - I wonder why? You know why. Everybody knows why.
For once, I'd like to find one single solitary Bammer that not only wants to end the corruption, but does something about it. Of course, he/she'd end up at the bottom of the Black Warrior River. I'd settle for just one Bammer that would publicly admit (not here - in public, on TV and radio) that the so-called "University" is a fundamentally corrupt organization. I certainly won't hold my breath waiting...
Bear Bryant was a low-down sorry crook, who was unfaithful to his wife, was a prolific substance abuser, and fostered an atmosphere of cheating and corruption that persists to this very day - JUST READ THE NEWSPAPER! He deserves no respect from anyone, not even the Bammer faithful... and you Bammergoobers lower yourselves even further (if that's possible) by giving him even the slightest respect at all.
I've already predicted that Bammer's culture of corruption will be its downfall again, whether SaBear is successful or not. You're going down, and this time you're going down HARD. Welcome to The Death Penalty, baby. FIVE YEARS OF NOTHING BUT SHAME... AND NOTHING FOR FIVE LONG YEARS - because you're going to get caught. All the rest of the SEC schools have to do is just be patient. It's only a matter of time, and not much.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
How much have you Bammers shelled out to The Runt so far - $6 million? No, wait... he gave back $1 million. Anyway, is the "Independence Bowl Hall of Honor" (link) all you have to show for that $5 million?
If "Bammer's back", as all you Bammergoobers say - what exactly is this stupid "process" that gets you beat by Louisiana-Monroe (AT HOME), and what is it going to cost in the end? $100 million? $200 million? It would seem to me that when you lose to Louisiana-Monroe, you're not "back" from somewhere, your program's actually gone somewhere (like into the toilet). This is unbelievable - un-fricking believable. It's like putting a $5,000 paint job on an AMC Pacer and parading it around like it's a Lamborghini. Is part of this "process" vying for the AHSAA 6A trophy? The "Who's Who of Tuscaloosa County Football"? The "Music City Bowl" Runner Up Hall of Fame? The truth is, you're an embarrassment to the Southeastern Conference and to 1-A football in general. Lost to the 3rd-place Sun Belt team?! What a "process"...
What do you Bammers think the chances are that La-Mo will EVER give Bammer a home and home? Yeah, a few years ago, they were probably BEGGING for just one game in T-Town, but if they're not on your schedule already, don't bother calling. It ain't happenin'.
By the way - the Auburn Nation is soooooooooooooo scared of Nick Saban. Right. You betcha.
If you look at all of Bourbon Brinte's history - there are several character traits that repeat often enough to be undeniably confirmed:
- He was a chain-smoking drunkard. Nobody denies that.
- He was a womanizer. Nobody denies that, either.
- He was a cheat. Nobody seriously denies that, either.
The one character trait that no one seems to talk about, although the evidence is there for everyone to see, is that...
- He was a quitter. When the going got tough, The Burr wanted to run away.
When times got tough at Bammer in 1969 and 1970, he nearly quit to coach the Dolphins. The wishbone worked quickly enough, so he stayed. But when Pat Dye showed up at Auburn in 1981, he knew he was about to be schooled by a former assistant. He couldn't stand for that, and he knew Coach Dye wasn't going anywhere, so he QUIT.
I have ZERO respect for that white trash. I would no more allow someone like that in my house... I wouldn't even let that scumbag cut my grass. He was white trash through and through. The lowlife was STUPID, too... he couldn't even graduate from a podunk Arkansas high school, so it was "fixed" when he ended up in Tuscaloosa. Wow... did he ever understand corruption... as a beneficiary and as the ringleader. I'm sorry he's dead because I can't tell him what a lowlife scumbag he is TO HIS FACE.
Now... you Bammers may not want to confront the truth, but that's the facts. And no one, not even "RTB", can change the facts.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I wrote this three or four years ago, and first posted it on either the old collegefootballnews.com blog (now scout.com) or the now-defunct Paul Finniboom blog. I've refined it a bit since the first version, but the gist is the same:
Bammer's claim of winning 12 NCs is a contemptible LIE.
If you read the NCAA records (online), you won't be left with a sense that Bama can legitimately claim 12 NCs.
When you hear a Bammer fan say that Bammer has 12 NCs, you can immediately confront the LIE. Here are THE FACTS:
- 1925: There was no national champion (or championship) in 1925. Without exception, every poll mentioned in the NCAA record book was assigned retroactively no less than 1 year later, and as many as 55 years later. The two polling methods Bammer quotes are Helms (applied retroactively in 1941) and Football Annual/College Football Researchers Association (whose retroactive application of their method was no earlier than 1982, and is described in the NCAA Record Book as "conducted on a poll by Harry Carson Frye"). Who the hell is Harry Carson Frye? A Bammer? I just didn't get a good feeling about this, so I did a little more research.
What I found was that Dartmouth appears to have the only legitimate claim to the 1925 championship, as the method used (Dickinson) came into being prior to 1925, although it was not marketed to newspapers until 1926. Dickinson's method seems to be the first to employ strength-of-schedule and a trophy (the Rissman Trophy). There is a lengthy write-up about the Dickinson poll on the USC website; if you read it, it's pretty obvious that this was the prevailing method of the day.
Scratch the alleged 1925 championship. This Bammer lie has been exposed and repudiated.
- 1926: According to Dickinson (the poll in use in 1926), Stanford is the 1926 National Champion. But wait a minute, the Bammers say... Alabama tied Stanford in its final game of the season (the Rose Bowl), and both were otherwise undefeated. The question is - was Dickinson applied after the head-to-head matchup? The answer is YES - check the Stanford website - Stanford received the Rissman Trophy. If there's any doubt - Notre Dame (believe it or not) has/had permanent possession of the Rissman Trophy; it may have an inscription indicating the 1926 National Champion. My guess is that it's got "Stanford" next to "1926", but if you want to be sure, call the Notre Dame Athletic Department; maybe they can tell you for sure. Without any better information....
Scratch the alleged 1926 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated.
- 1930: Notre Dame is ranked #1 by 9 of the 13 polls recognized by the NCAA records for 1930. Of the 13 polls, only three were actually used in 1930: Dickinson, Boand, and Houlgate, and all three selected Notre Dame. The modern day NCAA consensus pick is also Notre Dame.
Scratch the alleged 1930 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated.
- 1934: Here's our first potential dilemma. Of the polls in use mentioned in the NCAA records, six are actually in existence in 1934, and they're evenly split between Minnesota and Bammer. The edge would seem to be in Minnesota's favor (Dickinson picked'em), but if we look further at the NCAA data, on p. 89, the modern-day NCAA consensus pick is Minnesota - who also at least shared the 1935 National Championship with SMU (who lost in their bowl game to Stanford). Minnesota also won the 1936 National Championship outright.
Scratch the alleged 1934 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated.
- 1941: Woops.... it's Minnesota again. Of the seven polls in existence at the time, Minnesota comes out on top in six (including Dickinson, and the Associated Press). Bammer comes out on top in only one (existing) poll, and no retroactive polls. But it gets better! During the season, Bammer lost to Vanderbilt (who ended the season unranked according to the AP) and Mississippi State (who ended the season ranked #16 according to the AP). AP puts Bammer at #20. No question here...
Scratch the alleged 1941 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated.
- 1961: No doubt here - it's Bammer's first National Championship.
- 1964: Sorry Bammer! No cigar! Bammer was undefeated until it lost to #5 Texas (who was the unanimous 1963 National Champion) in the Orange Bowl. And if you can't beat #5, then you can't be #1. Isn't this obvious?
Scratch the alleged 1964 championship. Another Bammer lie exposed and repudiated...
- 1965: Not much doubt here - Michigan State loses its bowl game, and Bammer moves up to #1 from #4. Bear gets National Championship #2.
- 1973: Sorry Bammer, no cigar here! #1 ranked Bammer plays #4 Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl - and LOSES 24-23. Notre Dame moves up to #1, and is the consensus National Champion; to say Bammer is better than Notre Dame in 1973 is beyond delusional - it's an outright lie. The only reason Bammers claim they were National Champions in 1973 is because, at that time, the UPI poll didn't consider bowl games as the AP and other polls did. It would seem to most people that if you can't beat #4, then you can't be #1, but a deception based on an outdated poll is good enough for the Mullet Nation...
Scratch the alleged 1973 championship. Another Bammer lie has been exposed and repudiated.
- 1978: Looks like a winner... Bammer loses early in the season to USC, but not long after, USC loses to Arizona State. Both win their bowl games, and finish 10-1. Bammer wins the AP poll, USC the UPI poll. It's Bammer's third National Championship.
- 1979: No question here... Bammer's 4th National Championship.
- 1992: No question here either - Bammer's 5th National Championship.
Now that we know the correct number... what would have happened had the NCAA uncovered the massive corruption that Bourbon Bryant rode heard over at Bammer starting in 1958? I dare say there would be ZERO national championships, and perhaps several hundred FELONY CONVICTIONS...
Remember - when a Bammer says ANYTHING about 12 NCs - challenge him/her ON THE SPOT - LIAR! THAT'S A DAMN LIE!
Then crush him/her with the facts if he/she attempts to continue to LIE.
I don't know how I came across this, but it was one of a number of posts re: score predictions for the 2005 Iron Bowl. (Auburn won, 28-18, and it really wasn't that close.)
The Manly Tiger Prophecies
Manly Tiger's Bammer Back to Earth Prophecy – Vol. II, 2005
Auburn vs. Alabama, CBS, 2:30 p.m., November 19, 2005
And Lo, as prophesied, on the battlefield of Jordan-Hare East, didst the Tigers plunge a lethal dagger into the soft underbelly of the Dawgly nation. And as even as the wide-eyed leglifters were bellowing forth their victory whoofs, didst the deadly strike of Cox fly true unto Aromashodu, and didst a trailing Courtney diveth forth unto the rescue. And Lo, so helplessly didst Munson's tearful pugnosers view, as with but a second or two, didst the once taunted Vaughn kick so true. Proud warriors of the orange and blue, with souvenir hedge held high, the Tiger nation doth hail ye! And there, before the blissful scene of conquest didst King Tubs and his commanders standeth tall, and cry aloud, "Bringeth on Bammer, who proclaimeth to be back! Unacquainted are they with the end zone, and by the People of the Corn Dog was their weakness exposed. Yet, still do they pompously layeth down the smack, and their loudmouthed Demeco belittle our ground force attack. Returneth home, Oh People of the Tiger! Even now, the Crimson Kneck Elephant Tide approacheth! Two days henceforth, we shall rendereth unto the toothless nation history's lesson yet again, and reveal unto the world that the Tiger still doth rule."
And in stillness lies the Loveliest Village, 'neath a moonlit November hue, with the Corner of Toomer in full cover of tissue. And the chill winds doth blow, and ancient memories flow - and awakeneth the unmistakable echo . . . Nineteen Hundred Eighty Nine. And drawn by this haunting echo, didst Auburn men, women and children march as in a trance unto the field of Jordan and Hare. And there didst the masses huddle against the evening chill, where quietly didst they wait . . . and in prayerful tones, anticipate. And Lo, presently, from the south end tunnel, and flanked by ancient warriors whose blood once was bravely spilled on this soil, didst two unmistakable warriors emerge – King Tubs, and striding by his side, the great King Patrick of the Dyes. A hush didst fall upon this throng, a solemnity as the hour required. And all ears didst open, awaiting the sure utterance of some sacred word. And stepping slowly forth, didst King Tubs speaketh thusly: "Behold, proud People of the Tiger, the flag of liberty which doth proudly unfurl over this field. Fearless and proud do we walk, and tall do we stand in this, our homeland. But hear me well, one and all." And laying his right hand on the shoulder of King Patrick, didst King Tubs go on, "We stand so tall, and see so far, because on these broad shoulders do we stand! It is this great warrior and true Auburn man who defiantly didst stand against a million-strong redneck band, and told them UNTO HELL COULD THEY GO with their Lesion Field demand! Raise your voices aloud! Hail, Hail to this great Auburn man! Here, on this hallowed earth where ye stand, in his honor shall we proclaim this the Field of Dye for all time!"
And a deafening roar didst rise up into the cool Auburn night, and frat house girders shake, and King Patrick of the Dyes standeth and thusly, spake: "King Tubs, you rightly wear the crown and lead our great nation now. I thank thee for this honor, and do humbly accept."
And Lo, now growing intense, and with a grizzled, familiar grimace, didst King Patrick then raise his voice, "Let this truth sink in ye deeply, Oh people of this land. We built not this house upon sand, but upon rock and steel. Deep is this foundation laid, and doth King Tubs build it ever higher. But Lo, we are both but servants to a far greater power. It is not by sword, nor by spear that our army's strength is born, but of the love of this fair land – sweet Auburn, Loveliest Village on the Plain. And when I die, as die must we all, bury me here in this hallowed soil. For Lo, though Georgian by birth, by divine providence do I proudly wear the helm of orange, and the armor of blue. And on this ground two days henceforth shall ye slay the Tide with smothering force and invincible battle pride!"
And Lo, the chant didst riseth, and in the cool night air didst grow . . . BRINGETH ON BAMMER, BRINGETH ON THIS LOUDMOUTHED FOE! Back, they claimeth to be, but back to earth shall they violently go! A most ungodly sight, this Riff-Raff Tribe. Verily, a boorish band of uni-browed, camper shell living, forehead protruding, and outhouse dwelling rubes. They marcheth forth in tattered shirts and doth bellow "Roh Tahd", "Turd-ee-shun" and other bemusing war chants. People of the Tiger, drink not the dark brew of doom, and line the streets of Donahue! For they know not what rage awaits them on the field of our forefather Dye. Nor have they tred on deadly enemy soil, nor gazed into the Tiger's eye. We shall engulf their over-hyped defenders in an offensive hellfire of biblical proportions. And Lo, in strangled dredlock death, shall the Mullet Warrior's battle days with a faint whimper end. And lying in pancaked posture shall Demeco not rise again, and the Ramuh-Jamuh be silenced. And as the orange sun doth set against the deep blue November sky shall the People of the Red Overall in horror flee, to return unto the morass of Shulan mediocrity. And Lo, the mirth and merriment shall commence, and shall victory grog be swilled, tissue be tossed, cheer-wenches yell, and dance-maidens dance. As prophesied, one week henceforth, a Great Amen shall ariseth. For Lo, one day following the feast of the turkey shall the People of the Corn Dog taste defeat to the snorting swines of the Whoo-Soo-Wee Tribe. And the champions shall returneth unto the Land of Long Commutes in sure defense of their crown against the People of the Dawg.
Auburn Tigers 27 Crimson Knecks 10
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Joseph Goebbels is most often credited with this statement: "If you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it." This concept is the cornerstone of the foundation upon which the so-called Bammer "tradition" is built, and I propose that lies and propaganda are the true Bammer tradition.
The Bammers rely on six things to keep their fraudulent "tradition" alive:
- (1) A lack of accurate information
When Bammers repeat the "12 NCs Lie", they will never talk about specifics, for one of two reasons: (a) they don't know the underlying facts [about 70% of all Bammers fall into this category], or (b) they know the facts, but are unwilling to acknowledge them. The only things a Bammer can or will discuss concerning the "12 NCs Lie" are which years they claim (which are conveniently printed on the silk-screened t-shirts that comprise over 80% of the average Bammer's wardrobe).
- (2) Help from friends
Sports writers, sportscasters, and authors all have a stake in building up the subject at hand to make it a more interesting or compelling read (or show, in the case of radio and television). Bammers are routinely assisted in the propagation of the "12 NCs Lie" by people who have at least a temporal reason for self-gain.
- (3) We "accept" the illogical assertion that there are multiple national champions in a given year
This is a particularly insidious variation on the liberal's utopian world view - "Everyone's a winner!" (Also, see #2.) Of course, this happens in no other organized sport in the history of man - that is, except in Tuscaloosa County, Alabama. If you have any common sense at all, you'll laugh long and hard.
- (4) We "agree" that claiming NCs decades after the games were played is "OK"
This is some of the most redneck, most ridiculous behavior ever promoted by adults. Imagine, at some point (the 1960s?), an athletic director somewhere deciding to promote his school by getting a professor to "engineer" a goofy poll ("Dr. Dizzle-Switch is the first on campus to have a Texas Instruments calculator, by God!"). When others hear of it - the modern Gold Rush is on! If you can come up with some warped, tortured mathematical model, you can claim literally dozens of national championships! It's like they're just lying around on the ground, waiting for someone to "find" them - THE RACE IS ON!
- (5) Honor among thieves
The schools that are best at fabricating a history of NCs will be the least likely to call others out for their fraudulent behavior. Did you hear any uproar when USC decided in 2004 to claim the 1939 football NC - 65 years later?! What a joke. Even USC asserts its claim rather sheepishly (click here). Note that the "Unuversdy of Allerbammer" was deathly silent; they were probably scouring the books one MORE time to dredge up some more NCs somehow...
- (6) If "they" do it, Bammer can, too
When backed into the corner about their "12 NCs Lie", Bammers will often point to some other school: "Well, they did it! What about them? Why don't you call them out, too?" - revealing the utter childishness of the logic that has led to this behavior... and I say childishness because it proves their severe underdevelopment of character and of fundamental moral principles. Only a child could not see that if Bammer and Bammer fans feel they must rely on unethical people for their values and morals, they have none.
Check it out. It's hysterical. (http://www.rsfckers.com/Literature/taylor_bama.htm)
Well, well, well... Bammer is poised to win its 3,754th "nashnul champyunsheeyup". Due to Jimmy Johns' diligent efforts, Bammer has taken what appears to be an insurmountable lead in the Fulmer Cup standings. (http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/category/fulmer-cup/)
Well - not really - but they should be... judging from past behavior... They probably should be required to register with law enforcement wherever they live, too.
So... what have the Bammers been up to?
- Drunk driving
- Armed robbery
- Possession of cocaine
- Distribution of cocaine
- Possession of ecstasy
- Possession of marijuana
- Possession of a stolen fiream
- More drunk driving
- Disorderly conduct
- Resisting arrest
- Assaulting a police officer
- Converting textbooks paid for with scholarship money (all of which were "new"/unused).
- Giving a bunch of common thugs free college educations worth 6 figures each - when most of these thugs end up majoring in General Studies, Pre-Major Studies, and Home Economics... and then passing them off as "student athletes"
- Paying $6 million to the Runt of Fairmont (WV) - with $34 million more on the way - to be the leader of this this goofy band of criminals, buffoons, and idiots.
This is the role of a "university"? Selling its soul for the success of a football team made up of illiterate losers? Holy cow...
12/07/2005 01:33:33 PM
Hey Bammers.... we just beat the hell out of you... rammer jammer yellow hammer GO TO HELL Alabama!!!
Wait... sorry... we Auburn fans have gotten so used to singing our version of "Rammer Jammer" after the Iron Bowl each year that it's kind of hard not to do it. I guess that was kind of mean... sorry... I'll try again.
I just know you've missed me, but I've been busy. I've been in search of Bammer's fabled "tradition"! I think I found it! And guess what? I'm going to tell you what it is! (oh happy day!)
The APR (Academic Progress Rate) is the measure the NCAA will use to determine if/when a school will be punished for failing to graduate student-athletes. A school's APR ranges from 0 to 1000, with 1000 meaning 100% academic progress. An APR of at least 925 is considered "passing".
The NCAA APR scores for each of the 56 bowl-bound football teams are below. The data is from the NCAA website. It's sorted from highest (best) to lowest. Remember, 925 or higher is considered a passing grade. I decided to see what Bammer's tradition might be in this area.
You might say - as I did - where is Auburn in the list? And where is Bammer in the list? (I'll give you a clue: to find Auburn, start at the top of the list... and to find Bammer, start AT THE BOTTOM.)
- Navy: 992
- Rutgers: 980
- Boston College: 978
- Virginia: 972
- Northwestern: 971
- Southern Mississippi: 967
- South Florida: 965
- Auburn: 963 - in the top 10!
- Memphis: 960
- Louisville: 950
- Iowa: 949
- Michigan: 949
- Florida State: 948
- Miami: 946
- TCU: 945
- Virginia Tech: 944
- Tulsa: 943
- Florida: 942
- Clemson: 942
- Georgia Tech: 942
- Fresno State: 939
- Iowa State: 938
- West Virgina: 938
- Colorado: 936
- North Carolina State: 935
- Colorado State: 934
- Notre Dame: 934
- Texas: 934
- Georgia: 930
- Nebraska: 929
- Oklahoma: 929
- Utah: 929
- Penn State: 928
- California: 924
- South Carolina: 924
- Akron: 923
- LSU: 923
- Minnesota: 923
- Boise State: 922
- UTEP: 921
- BYU: 920
- Texas Tech: 919
- Wisconsin: 916
- Arkansas State: 912
- Southern California: 910
- Missouri: 907
- Kansas: 899
- Houston: 893
- Oregon: 893
- Nevada: 892
- Ohio State: 892
- UCLA: 890
- Arizona State: 887
- Alabama: 886 - THIRD FROM THE BOTTOM!
- Central Florida: 880
- Toledo: 864
I guess it's always "4th and dumb" for Bammer football! LMAO
Rowel Tahd, indeed!