Saturday, August 2, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't Back in 2008


There's AT LEAST ONE other blog out there that castigates Bammers for their buffoonery and delusion. And the author of made it onto the Finniboom Show this past Friday. [Before you get all excited, Paul, forget it - you don't have enough money.]

The following is taken directly from Check out his website.


This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:

  1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.
  2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?
  3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")
  4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.
  5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?
  6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a s**t will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.
  7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...
  8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)
  9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!
  10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny (where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd... When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?
Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

    Friday, July 18, 2008

    2008 Boor Of The Year

    It's only July, and there's one candidate for this year's Boor Of The Year Award that has an insurmountable lead.

    And the winner is... John Falkenberry.

    What an absolute boorish boor. The man has absolutely nothing interesting to say - about anything... and if - for only 15 minutes - someone could prevent him from interrupting like a 5 year old while other people are talking, it would KILL him.

    You can catch this puffed-up blowhard every few weeks destroying what's left of the Paul Finebaum Show.

    Thursday, July 17, 2008

    UN... BE... LIEVABLE...

    This rivals "Dukakis in a tank". What a bunch of complete idiots.

    Let's set the stage: Rich Karle (Fox 6, Birmingham) and Paul Finebaum take The Runt "fishin'". Here's what you get:

    • Three pasty-faced white guys jammed into a boat that might not be safe for only one person
    • No PFDs
    • Everybody dressed in business casual
    • The lone "fishin' pole" is an $8.75 Wal-Mart special
    • Nobody knows how to fish
    • ... and some of the most inane conversation in the history of mankind
    Good grief... the bow's only four inches out of the water. Holy cow.

    And look at Finebaum... he's practically a statue. He knows that if anybody in that boat even picks his nose, they're all swimming. You have to believe that at least two of them would drown, even though they're in only three feet of water.

    This is one of the dumbest things I have ever seen.

    Saturday, July 12, 2008

    Bammer Jeopardy Flashback - 2006

    And now, tonight's Final Jeopardy clue in the category "Bammer Majors":

    According to, it's the most frequently declared academic major BY FAR amongst the members of the 2006-2007 Bammer football team.

    30 seconds!

    [Jeopardy theme music]

    Times up!

    If you said Human Environmental Sciences, you would be wrong. That was the #3 declared major, and is better known by its former name, Home Economics. (Do their aprons have the same numbers on them as their uniforms?)

    The #2 declared major was General Studies, also known as the "Why Am I Here?" major. (Three seniors and two juniors are in this group, still trying to find an easy major; maybe they should ask their teammates?)

    The correct answer is "What is Pre-Major Studies?", which we all know by its proper name, "high school". (There are FOUR juniors and TWELVE sophomores on the squad that are obviously a long, long way from home...)

    Join us tomorrow night when our Final Jeopardy category will be "Infamous Bammer Dessert Favorites".


    Supporting data

    Date: 12/20/2006

    Pre-Major Studies 36 (4 JUNIORS AND 12 SOPHOMORES!!!)
    General Studies 7 (3 SENIORS AND TWO JUNIORS!!!)
    Human Environmental Sciences (Home Economics) 6 ("Strap on those aprons, boys, we're gonna make a cake!")
    Business 4
    Management 4
    Engineering 3
    Communications 3
    Pre-Business (Junior) 3
    Pre-Business (Sophomore) 2
    Interdisciplinary Studies 1
    Health 1
    Biology 1
    Computer Science 1
    Criminal Justice 1
    Finance 1
    Finance (Business) 1
    Marketing 1
    Psychology 1
    Telecommunications and Film 1
    Unknown 52

    1 Ramzee Robinson Management Graduate
    2 Simeon Castille Communications Jr.
    3 Jeffrey Dukes General Studies Sr.
    4 Tyrone Prothro Human Environmental Sciences Sr.
    5 Roy Upchurch Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    6 Marcel Stamps Pre-Major Studies Jr.
    6 Kennth Vandervoort ? Jr.
    7 Will Oakley Pre-Business So.
    8 Chris Rogers Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    9 Nikita Stover Pre-Major Studies So.
    10 Jimmy Johns Pre-Major Studies So.
    11 Matt Caddell Financial Planning Jr.
    13 Cory Reamer Pre-Major Studies So.
    14 John Parker Wilson Business So.
    15 Jimmy Barnes Business Fr.
    16 Lionel Mitchell Pre-Business So.
    17 Greg McElroy ? Fr.
    19 Tim Castille Communications Sr.
    20 Marcus Carter Pre-Major Studies Jr.
    21 Prince Hall Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    22 D. J. Hall Pre-Major Studies Jr.
    23 Tremayne Coger ? Fr.
    24 Marquis Johnson ? Fr.
    25 Aaron McDaniel Pre-Major Studies So.
    26 Ali Shafrief Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    27 Justin Woodall ? Fr.
    28 Javier Arenas ? Fr.
    29 Adam Hill Psychology Fr.
    30 Patrick Hanrahan Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    31 Forress Rayford Finance (Business) Sr.
    32 Eryk Anders Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    33 Le'Ron McClain Human Environmental Sciences Sr.
    34 Kenneth Darby Communications Sr.
    35 Charlie Kirschman ? Fr.
    37 Trent Dean ? So.
    38 Glen Coffee Pre-Major Studies So.
    39 Darwin Salaam ? So.
    40 Baron Huber Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    41 Andy Davis ? Fr.
    42 Juwan Simpson ? Sr.
    43 Sam Burnthall Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    44 Demarcus Waldrop Human Environmental Sciences Jr.
    44 Jacob Vane ? Fr.
    45 Charlie Higginbotham ? Fr.
    46 Zach Schreiber Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    47 Ezekiel Knight Pre-Major Studies Jr.
    48 Travis Sikes Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    49 Rashad Johnson Computer Science So.
    50 Justin Britt Pre-Business Jr.
    51 Luke Spaulding ? Sr.
    55 Terrence Jones General Studies Sr.
    56 Matt Collins Pre-Major Studies Jr.
    57 Morgan Garner ? So.
    57 Darren Mustin ? Jr.
    58 Kyle Tatum Management Sr.
    59 Antoine Caldwell General Studies So.
    60 Scott Deaton Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    61 B. J. Stabler Pre-Major Studies So.
    62 Alex Stadler ? Fr.
    63 Justin Johnson ? Jr.
    64 Layne Rinks Business So.
    65 Joshua Curry Mechanical Engineering So.
    66 Brian Motley ? Fr.
    67 J. P. Adams Civil Engineering Sr.
    68 Taylor Pharr ? Fr.
    69 Kevin Cash ? Fr.
    70 Evan Cardwell Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    71 Andre Smith ? Fr.
    72 Chris Capps Financial Planning Jr.
    73 Justin Moon Marketing Jr.
    74 Trent Davidson General Studies So.
    74 David Ross ? Fr.
    75 Cody Davis Pre-Major Studies So.
    76 Marlon Davis Pre-Major Studies So.
    77 Byron Walton Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    78 Mike Johnson Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    79 Drew Davis Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    80 Mike McKoy ? Fr.
    81 Keith Brown General Studies Jr.
    82 Earl Alexander ? Fr.
    83 Travis McCall Pre-Major Studies So.
    84 Jake Jones ? Fr.
    85 Preston Dial ? Fr.
    86 Jamie Christensen Pre-Business Jr.
    87 Cole Harvey Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    88 Nick Walter Pre-Major Studies So.
    89 Charles Hoke Business So.
    90 Milton Talbert ? Fr.
    91 Will Denniston General Studies Jr.
    91 Chris Harris Management Sr.
    92 Wallace Gilberry Telecommunications and Film Jr.
    93 Bobby Greenwood Criminal Justice So.
    94 Keith Saunders Pre-Business Jr.
    95 Brandon Deaderick Pre-Major Studies So.
    96 Dominic Lee General Studies Sr.
    97 Lorenzo Washington Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    98 Brandon Fanney Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    99 Jeremy Clark Consumer Science Sr.

    11 P. J. Fitzgerald Pre-Major Studies Fr.
    15 Andrew Friedman ? Fr.
    16 James Denton ? Fr.
    22 Austin Clifford ? Fr.
    23 Justin Martin Mechanical Engineering Fr.
    24 Chris Pugh ? Fr.
    25 Alex Benson ? Fr.
    26 Hampton Gray ? Fr.
    28 Tucker Callahan ? Fr.
    29 Terry Grant ? Fr.
    30 Bryan Kilpatrick Finance Graduate.
    31 Leigh Tiffin ? Fr.
    34 Courtney Moore Pre-Major Studies So.
    35 Patrick Eades ? Jr.
    36 Eric Gray Interdisciplinary Studies Jr.
    37 Heath Thomas Health Fr.
    38 Joel Nix ? Fr.
    39 Justin Dunn ? Fr.
    40 Jonathan Lowe ? So.
    41 Cliff Murphy ? Fr.
    43 Daniel Weaver Management Fr.
    45 Reyn Willis ? Fr.
    50 Cy Ellis ? Fr.
    59 Mitch Ray ? Fr.
    62 Lance Vickers ? Fr
    66 Brian Selman ? Fr.
    85 Danny Barger ? Sr.
    90 Barrett Earnest ? Jr.
    93 Trey Chesser ? Jr.
    94 Mike Sparks ? Fr.
    95 Orion Hall ? Fr.
    96 Daniel Wood Biology Fr.

    Friday, July 11, 2008

    The Fix Is In - Kenny Stabler To Return To Bammer Sports Broadcasting - Eventually

    How it must have gone down... a few weeks ago...

    [The room is a 20'x45' meeting room near the top of one of Birmingham's tallest office buildings. There are two Polycom phones on the conference table so everyone in the room in can participate. Early Times, Jack Daniels, and some homemade vokda are in sun tea jars at each end of the table - they're the ones with the built-in spigots). Cigarette smoke completely fills the top five feet of the air space.]

    The president of the "unuversdy of ayallerbayammer" speaks first, after coughing for a full 15 seconds.

    (Dr. Witt) "Hello..." (tap tap tap) "Can everyone hear me? I - I'm ..... I just want to begin this meeting - my first with more than one speakerphone - by saying that we, we as a group, need to reach a concensus, and we need to get to that point quickly... we have to do something that is in touch with all of our feelings, and we need..."
    (Paul Bryant, Jr.) "Shut the hell, up, moron....... Let's get down to it. What do you PR people in New York have? What do the focus groups say?"
    (New York) "Thank you, Mr. Bryant. And thank you for the barbeque from Fat Boy's. It was... err... good. Where is Prattville, anyway? Is that in Alabama?"
    (PBJ) "Look, nobody cares about that... what do the focus groups say?"
    (NY) "There is a very definite trend that the average Alabamian thinks that drunk driving is bad."
    (PBJ) "And?"
    (NY) "What do you mean?"
    (PBJ) "Do we have to fire the son of a bitch or what?!"
    (NY) "That's not clear. We think an indirect approach is called for."
    (Mal Moore) "I think Coach Bryant..."
    (PBJ) "Oh GOD... would all the idiots in the room please SHUT THE HELL UP? How would the West Coast writers react to this strategy?"
    (NY) "Mr. Bryant, with time, the West Coast, including the sports writers out there... will accept almost anything if we can just get some time. They're used to celebrities skating when it comes to the law. That is to say... if the University's reaction isn't immediate, and the action isn't definitive, then there's not much at all you'll have to change. Mr. Stabler will, of course, have to be absent for some period of time. Here, absent means out of the media spotlight - nothing else. He can do his regular Red Elephant Club thing... the $100 handshakes, the car shopping with the recruits' parents, whatever. But his continued participation in the University's sports media program will be predicated on the success of the "publicity dead zone" approach. There just can't be any headlines. When his case is adjudicated, the lack of coverage will enable lesser-educated people, and we're thinking the Tide fans, per se, to be part of the groundswell that can lead to a very light sentence, and, of course, our operatives will do all they can to lead the populace to this conclusion via television, newspapers, and radio. We think Mr. Stabler might be able to join the football telecasts very late in the season, as a guest, of course, if we all play all our cards right. However, on the parallel track that we also discussed, if your lawyers can get him off Scot free, then you can do whatever you want."
    (SaBear) "Will he have any value to my recruiting during this 'publicity dead zone'?"
    (PBJ) "HEEEEEY!!!! DIDN'T THE CHECK CLEAR?! THIS IS MY &#$@%@%$#* MEETING. If I want you to speak, I'll tell you to speak. New York, what about the South?"
    (NY) "What do you mean? Which demographic?"
    (PBJ) "Finebaum."
    (NY) "What? Is that a poll or something?"
    (PBJ) "No, IDIOT. PAUL Finebaum. The Birmingham radio talk show host. How do we handle Finebaum?"
    (NY) "Oh, him. Of course. Just keep buying commercials. What is it... Crane Works? Keep doing that. Actually... we don't have any idea what this Finebaum character is all about. Can you give him season tickets, too?"
    (PBJ) "Sure. I'll give him Whitt's seats."
    (Dr. Witt) "That's not fair. I -"
    (PBJ) "I'll tell you what's fair, moron! Now shut the hell up or I'll let Finebaum have your house on football weekends, too."
    (NY) "Look. Here it is, plain and simple. Just wait a while, then say he's taking the year off. That leaves the door open for Stabler to come back. It puts the expectation in the public's mind that he's going to be back, whatever the outcome of his court case. Whether you actually bring him back or not depends upon whether you can get him to cooperate with the 'publicity dead zone' idea or not."
    (KS) "I'm cooperating this time."
    (PBJ) "That's what you said the other six times, retard."
    (KS) "Well, I mean it this time..."
    (PBJ) "Right. Listen, Kenny, go home and rip the phones out of the wall. Don't talk to the mailman, don't even talk to the paper boy. *WE* will deal with the judge. Do you understand?! Just SHUT THE #$?~# up!!! And give me the #$%~!#$^ car keys. If you do what you're told, I might let you come back. But if you screw this up again, I'll let that little judge down there put you in the slammer for a year. Do you get my drift, cowboy?"
    (KS) "Yes sir, Mr. Bryant."
    (PBJ) "Anybody have anything else?"
    (MM) "What about Jimmy Johns?"
    (SaBear) "Yeah, what about Jimmy? Can we keep Jimmy?"
    (PBJ) "No, no, no, he's history. New York, that's it from here."
    (SaBear) "But I think he can change... he told me last night he's willing to change... what am I going to tell his mom?"
    (PBJ) "SHUT THE HELL UP, Saban. Goodbye, New York." [disconnects the conference call]
    (MM) "Can we talk about Jim-"
    (PBJ) "NO!!! Mal, make yourself useful, for a change. Go get us some sandwiches. Witt, go get the car."
    (MM) "Is there a Subway on this floor?"
    (SaBear) "There's a 7-11 about two blocks down th...."
    (PBJ) "CHRIST you guys are IDIOTS!!! Just... GO BACK to to Tuscaloosa. Just go back. And don't do anything without talking to me first. Do you understand? What's the matter SaBear, did you lock your keys in the car again?"
    (SaBear) "No, sir."
    (PBJ) "OK then... get the hell out of here. Kenny, where are you going?"
    (KS) "I gotta have a shot of something..."
    (PBJ) "What... the booze here isn't good enough?!"
    (KS) "The booze is fine, there just aren't any slutty broads."
    (PBJ) "Look... when you get home, call me on my cell phone. I have some recruits I want you to go see."
    (KS) "Yes, sir."

    Total Delusion

    Fake. Phony. Fraud. Wishful thinking on a monstrous scale.

    That's what Bammer's so-called "tradition" really is. You Bammers may not want to confront the truth, but the facts are what they are. Deal with it.

    Your biggest problem is your emotional attachment to the phony Bourbon Brinte legacy and this phony Bammer "tradition". And you're not alone... some Auburn fans are all caught up in it, too. The truth is, we'll never know just how good of a coach he was, because he never played by the rules. That crooked scumbag came that close to getting caught fixing an SEC game (
    link). No one has ever been accused of that before or since - I wonder why? You know why. Everybody knows why.

    For once, I'd like to find one single solitary Bammer that not only wants to end the corruption, but does something about it. Of course, he/she'd end up at the bottom of the Black Warrior River. I'd settle for just one Bammer that would publicly admit (not here - in public, on TV and radio) that the so-called "University" is a fundamentally corrupt organization. I certainly won't hold my breath waiting...

    Bear Bryant was a low-down sorry crook, who was unfaithful to his wife, was a prolific substance abuser, and fostered an atmosphere of cheating and corruption that persists to this very day - JUST READ THE NEWSPAPER! He deserves no respect from anyone, not even the Bammer faithful... and you Bammergoobers lower yourselves even further (if that's possible) by giving him even the slightest respect at all.

    I've already predicted that Bammer's culture of corruption will be its downfall again, whether SaBear is successful or not. You're going down, and this time you're going down HARD. Welcome to The Death Penalty, baby. FIVE YEARS OF NOTHING BUT SHAME... AND NOTHING FOR FIVE LONG YEARS - because you're going to get caught. All the rest of the SEC schools have to do is just be patient. It's only a matter of time, and not much.

    Thursday, July 10, 2008

    7 Wins and 10 Arrests Later - Was It Worth The Investment?

    How much have you Bammers shelled out to The Runt so far - $6 million? No, wait... he gave back $1 million. Anyway, is the "Independence Bowl Hall of Honor" (link) all you have to show for that $5 million?

    If "Bammer's back", as all you Bammergoobers say - what exactly is this stupid "process" that gets you beat by Louisiana-Monroe (AT HOME), and what is it going to cost in the end? $100 million? $200 million? It would seem to me that when you lose to Louisiana-Monroe, you're not "back" from somewhere, your program's actually gone somewhere (like into the toilet). This is unbelievable - un-fricking believable. It's like putting a $5,000 paint job on an AMC Pacer and parading it around like it's a Lamborghini. Is part of this "process" vying for the AHSAA 6A trophy? The "Who's Who of Tuscaloosa County Football"? The "Music City Bowl" Runner Up Hall of Fame? The truth is, you're an embarrassment to the Southeastern Conference and to 1-A football in general. Lost to the 3rd-place Sun Belt team?! What a "process"...

    What do you Bammers think the chances are that La-Mo will EVER give Bammer a home and home? Yeah, a few years ago, they were probably BEGGING for just one game in T-Town, but if they're not on your schedule already, don't bother calling. It ain't happenin'.

    By the way - the Auburn Nation is soooooooooooooo scared of Nick Saban. Right. You betcha.